Good Grief

When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping who came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, and said, Where have ye laid him? They say unto him, Lord, come and see. Jesus wept. John 11:33

But we would not have you ignorant, brethren, concerning them that fall asleep; that ye sorrow not, even as the rest, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also that are fallen asleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we that are alive, that are left unto the coming of the Lord, shall in no wise precede them that are fallen asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven, with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first; then we that are alive, that are left, shall together with them be caught up in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words. I Thess. 4:13-18

I recently chatted with a patient who mentioned that part of his treatment plan at Cancer Treatment Centers of America included dealing with a number of unresolved grief issues he'd been shouldering for quite a while.

This unresolved grief, stemming from deaths of family members and his grief over his own cancer, often caused him to dissolve into tears at the most inappropriate moments. It was also depressing his immune system, causing him some depression and certainly not helping his body fight the cancer in his body in the most effective manner.

Grief is an issue all of us face in one form or another. Sometimes, there's grief in a happy moment, such as having to leave friends, family and familiar surroundings to accept a promotion or a new job. That kind of grief generally is resolved or assuaged by maintaining contact with loved ones, visits back home, and the excitement of everything new. But most of the time, we experience grief at the sad moments of our lives when we've lost something we cant or may not get back.

Grief, if worked through appropriately, brings healing and the ability to move forward healthily, without dragging around a lot of unpacked baggage. It's part of the healing process that is both natural and good.

When unpacked, like a suitcase, grief allows our emotions and mind to fully come to terms with the loss weve experienced ... whether loss of a loved one, loss of health, loss of body part, loss of dreams, loss of part of our identity, loss of job, loss of independence, loss of something we hold dear. It engages us in methodically thinking through the various aspects of the loss, reliving memories, meditating on the reality of where we find ourselves now, defining the difference between what's truly lost and what we still have, separating true impossibilities from those just imagined or anticipated, making decisions based on what we'd like to have happen in the future and a host of other things.

Grief, dealt with appropriately, is like medication on the wound. While you may have a scar forever, you do experience healing, and you can move forward to the next things in your life ... to what you can do or do have.

Unresolved grief, on the other hand, is crippling. And it seems to compound as the years go by, getting heavier and heavier. One of my daughters refused to grieve after her dad was killed. She just got angry and bottled things up inside. During the next two decades of her life, she experienced more grief over some cruel experiences in her life as well as the deaths of a couple friends. The suitcase she was dragging around got heavier and heavier. She began trying a variety of ways to escape the pain and lose the suitcase. Nothing worked. She'd seem better for a while, but then the depression and pain would descend stronger and darker than before. At those times, she'd either explode or separate herself and retreat into dark thought patterns.

Finally, at age 34, she decided it was time to seek help. She signed up for a Griefshare (griefshare.org) class at her church, and, with God's help and the help of those in the class, she worked through the compounded, crippling, life-threatening issues the unresolved grief had manifested in her life over the years. Finally, she's unpacked the suitcase and put everything away appropriately.

I believe God allows us grief because we're made in His image. And Scripture tells us God grieves ... He grieves over people who don't know Him and are lost in their sin. He grieves over injustice, unrighteousness and sin on earth. He grieves over the hurts His people suffer. He grieves over evil and the destruction it brings on earth and to people's lives. He grieves with us over your losses and mine.

But He's also a God of redemption who says in the Psalms that He collects our tears in a bottle, who promises in Romans that all things -- ALL THINGS -- work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He's a God whose purposes are never -- NOT EVER -- thwarted, we're told in the Book of Job, no matter how horrible things look or how much evil, sickness, disease and death are loose in the world, wrecking havoc in people's lives.

So, when you grieve, grieve with hope. Grieve letting Him comfort you. Grieve knowing nothing will be wasted -- that you haven't suffered whatever for nothing. Grieve knowing it will all be redeemed if you put it all in God's hands. Grieve knowing the Lord grieves with you. Let grief have its full work in your life, so the suitcase is unpacked and can be put away, and when you're ready to take a step forward, you can step out freely, ready to meet the next day of your life with everything working inside you at full throttle and healthy.

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