Reframe Your Mind About Caregiving

Rev. Dr. Michael S. Barry, Director of Pastoral Care, CTCA/ERMC

To patient and caregiver alike:

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you.… 1 Thess. 5:16b–18).”

Caregiving is a great privilege, and it is as demanding as it is rewarding. To do it well requires us to examine our own attitudes. We need to assess our beliefs about disease and discomfort, and how we face difficulties in our own lives. Why? Because your friend is depending on you; and if you're fearful of death and unable to see the benefits of disease (the lessons that our bodies are trying to teach us), you may find your capacity to care for your loved one diminished, and your ability to be light during their period of darkness dimmed.

Caring for your loved one can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life—a time when you experience optimum emotional, spiritual, psychological, and physical well-being, so that in return, you're able to help your loved one share similar experiences.

Water can't flow higher than its source. The source of a river or fountain is the highest geographical elevation. As gravity applies itself, the water flows from its highest elevation to its lowest. The Mississippi River is the longest and largest river in North America. Its source is Lake Itasca in the Minnesota North Woods. It flows through the midcontinental United States, the Gulf of Mexico Coastal Plain, and its subtropical Louisiana Delta. It's all downhill from Lake Itasca.

In other words, you'll not be able to raise your loved one’s spirits any higher than your own spirits are raised. A positive attitude can be infectious! A strong will to live can be shared! Reasons to fight for your loved one’s life can be discovered, but little or none of this will happen if the caregiver is not optimistic and otherwise happy. How can a caregiver convincingly convey the need to fight for health and longer life if he or she is indifferent and unenthused about life and living?

The Scriptures teach, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you.… (1 Thess. 5:16b–18).”

People of faith, especially Christians, are instructed to be joyful always and are reminded that a joy-filled life is God’s will. Yet joy eludes many people, especially those who are living an already busy life and are responsible for others’ well-being. Ask any parent, teacher, or CEO!

Fish! is a short yet powerful book about a woman who finds herself working in a “toxic energy dump.” She walks by Pine Place Fish Market where there are a number of men working behind the counter. Suddenly she sees a fish flying through the air and hears one of the men yell out, “One salmon flying away to Minnesota,” only to be echoed just as loudly by another, “One salmon flying away to Minnesota!” Soon thereafter another man tosses a coworker a bunch of crabs yelling “Five crabs flying away to Wisconsin!”

This woman saw that the men at Pine Place Fish Market were filled with lively energy and were having a joyful time throwing fish around all day, and she began to wonder why she wasn’t enjoying her job, which in her mind was much more important than selling fish. As she reflected on this, she decided her life was too precious to spend any time at all, let alone half her waking hours, in “a toxic energy dump” filled with people who were a drag to be around—unhappy and unfulfilled.

Consider the wisdom of Scripture: A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Prov. 17:22).

Your friend needs good “medicine” flowing from your cheerful heart into theirs. As Ben Franklin put it, "The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself." Your challenge, and mine, is to create space in the life of your friend that is the emotional opposite of a toxic energy dump; one that is filled with positive energy, hope, abundant love, occasional laughter, and people engaged with life and living—people who sparkle, even in the midst of difficulty.

From The Art of Caregiving by Rev. Dr. Michael Barry, Cook Communications Ministry, due 05/07.